Monthly Archive for July, 2011

Name that baby!

Posted on July 30, 2011 in categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Just For Fun, Marriage and Kids and Naomi. 6 Comments

What did you call me??!

So you’re having a baby (or thinking about having a baby)! Now you’ve got nine months to figure out what it’s going to be called for the rest of its life. Yikes!!

As Shakespeare’s Juliet famously asked, “what’s in a name?” Well, a lot actually. A name can denote family history, cultural identity, values, expectations…in fact, names have even been linked to predicting people’s behavior in all sorts of ways.

Psychological studies propose that it is how others react to our names that leads to behavior trends. For example, a child with a more unusual name might be teased often as a child, leading him or her to develop low self esteem which effects their life course later on. One UCLA study showed that adults with “unattractive names” faced more challenges in their social and work life than others. However, this shouldn’t prevent you from giving your baby a unique name. As baby names researcher Neil Street says, “It is not clear which is more influential - a really strange name, or the parents who gave that name to the child.” In some cases, giving a child and very damaging or offensive name can be considered a form of child-abuse and lead to legal action.

The popularity of certain names fluctuates wildly over time, and is especially influenced by celebrity names (e.g. Jennifer, Brittany, Tom, etc.) On the whole, parents seem to be getting more and more creative with baby names, most often changing common spellings, but sometimes going off the deep end. There’s a child in China named “@” and a little girl in New Zealand named “Talula does the Hula in Hawaii.” For more examples, check out these celebrity’s baby names below. And you want some geeky fun, check out the graphs and charts at http://nametrends.net.

In the end, as you think carefully about a name, make sure know how to communicate with your spouse. Have thorough conversations about the underlying concerns and desires you both have about baby names. Be aware of naming traditions in your respective families and cultures. For instance, naming a child after a relative is a huge sign of respect in some cultures. But among Ashkenazi Jews, naming a child after a living relative is considered akin to a death wish for the relative. Only one person in a family can have a certain name at one time. And if you get stuck on different ideas, consider some win-win strategies such as picking one for the first name and another for a middle name.

In the end, the name is less important than how it is used—called out with love, respect, and joy. No matter what their name, if they have a pair of loving partners in a great marriage to raise them, they’ll probably turn out ok.

 

Unusual celebrity baby names

1. Apple(Gwyneth Paltrow)

2. Maddox and Knox ( Angelina Joli and Brad Pitt)

3. Sunday Rose Kidman ( Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban)

4. Ocean, Sonnet and True (Forest Whitaker)

5. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Earl from My Name Is Earl)

6.Scout, Tallulah and Rumer. (Bruce Willis and Demi Moore)

7.Brooklyn, cruz and Romeo ( The Beckhams )

8.Rocco (Madonna and Guy Ritchie)

10. Fuchsia (Sting)

11. Kal-El Coppola (Nicholas Cage)

12. Moxie Crimefighter and Zolten ( Penn Jilette )

13. Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Diva Muffin (Frank Zappa)

14. Racer, Rogue Rocket and Rebel ( belong to Director Robert Rodriguez)

15. Memphis Eve (U2 Lead Singer Bono)

16. Coco (Courtney Cox and David Arquette)

17. Sage Moonblood ( Sylvester Stallone)

18. Magnus ( Will Ferrell)

19. Calico and Sonora Rose ( Alice Cooper)

20. Nevis ( Nelly Furtado )

Categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Just For Fun, Marriage and Kids and Naomi

When humor hurts

Posted on July 27, 2011 in categories: Apologies, Communication, Emotional Regulation, Marriage and Kids, Naomi and Positivity. 2 Comments

While looking for a video to post yesterday, I came across a two-minute clip of a little boy becoming hysterical when a little girl proclaims she is going to marry him. His mother captures the whole thing on film, encouraging the battle of wills. At first, his overreaction is pretty darn cute. And yes, it’s a funny metaphor for some adult behavior. But watching the entire thing a few times left all the PO2 staff with a sour taste in our mouths and led to an interesting discussion. It brought up a very serious topic in dealing with other people’s emotions.

We very rarely set out to consciously hurt or anger someone, especially the people we love. However, many of our patterns of speech and behavior can have unexpected impact on other people. This is why it is so important to be aware of and monitor your responses to your spouse. One example for communication in marriage in the Power of Two curriculum is the use of “but…” When you’re having a conversation, using this little word actually negates what your partner just said and sets you up in opposition. We often use “but” without realizing that it can hurt our spouse’s self-esteem and lead to arguments!

This video brings up another unexpected shark lurking in the waters of your relationship: humor. Specifically, misplaced light-heartedness- not taking other people’s emotions, desires, and needs seriously. A great sense of humor is a wonderful thing, and having little in-jokes with your spouse is part of a healthy relationship. At the same time, humor can be really hurtful and a big setback in how to communicate with your spouse. When your partner makes a serious personal statement such as “I want” or “I don’t want,” or shares an emotion with you, don’t laugh at them, tease them, or disregard their feelings. When you do, you imply that what they are feeling is mistaken, misplaced or crazy, and denies the validity of the things they care about.

Respect the power of their feelings. Be serious when your partner is serious. You don’t have to feel the same way (you are two different people after all!), but you should respect and try to understand the reasoning and concerns behind your partner’s position. This shows your spouse that you recognizing her or him as an independent, valuable human being.

This is especially important for children, who are in the midst of developing their sense of self. Your child might get upset over things your believe are completely ridiculous, but remember that to them, the pain is very, very real. Denying it can be very hurtful and confusing. Comfort your child, try to see the world from his or her point of view, and acknowledge his emotions. Try using this great phrase from our conflict resolution section:

“Yes, I understand why your are upset (elaborate)…and, at the same time (find a comforting solution).”

Treating your child with compassion and seriousness with raise compassionate, confident adult.

Granted, knowing when and when not to be light-hearted is a very tricky skill! And everyone disagrees on what is funny. What do you think? Is the video funny or not? How would you have dealt with the situation?

Categories: Apologies, Communication, Emotional Regulation, Marriage and Kids, Naomi and Positivity

What should I do if my spouse is spying on me?

Posted on July 21, 2011 in categories: Anger, Communication, Infidelity and Naomi. 5 Comments

Phone hacking has been all over the news lately due to Rupert Murdoch’s “News of the World” scandal. While the public is quick to condemn the newspaper’s actions, reading other’s personal information is something that can seem morally blurry when it comes to your spouse. Aren’t you supposed to share everything? This is the topic brought up by the writers over at Jezebel.com on a controversy surrounding a response in the popular advice column “Ask Amy.” Here is the question that was sent to the column, edited for brevity:

My husband very strongly dislikes my best friend. He feels that she is a “bad influence” on me, as she is still dating and hasn’t settled down in her late 20s, goes to a gym that offers “pole fitness” classes, and had an abortion a year ago.

He is always angry when I am talking to her on the phone and has gone so far as to hack into my e-mail account and read our e-mails to one another.

Heaven forbid the e-mail contain a reference to an acquaintance of ours we find attractive or a (justified or not) complaint about a habit of his.

Amy Dickinson published this reply:

Your husband is being unreasonable. But then, so are you.

The problem here is that you are putting your friendship with your girlfriend in the middle of your relationship with your husband. You also need to learn how to dole out information like a grown-up. [She shouldn’t have told her husband about the friend’s abortion or told her friend about her marriage complaints.]

You three need a do-over. You should be able to chat privately with your friend, but you should also welcome your husband into the circle from time to time. And he needs to grow up, too.

Amy is right to point out that there are always things that both parties (wife and husband) can do to solve marriage problems. At the same time, as Jezebel quickly notes, Amy completely misses the disturbing center of the asker’s situation: the controlling, manipulative and angry behavior of the husband. The Jezebel writer hits the issue right on with this quote: “when you get married… you don’t surrender your right to have private conversations with your friends…You don’t surrender your right to privacy or to correspond with people without worrying about being monitored. This is marriage- a lifelong partnership of love, respect, and trust.”

In fact, controlling or isolating behavior is among our top 5 reasons for divorce. If your partner habitually restricts your social life, cuts you off from loved ones, and insists that you only spend time doing his/her pre-approved activities, please, talk to someone about this. How to deal with jealousy and other problems can be learned with counseling, while controlling behavior is a sign of a serious and potentially dangerous situation in your marriage that requires immediate action and perhaps separation.

It is generally a bad sign if you feel that you need to check your spouse’s email or cell phone without permission. It may be a sign that you’re being too controlling. Almost always, it’s a sign that something is seriously awry in the kind of healthy open communication, trustworthy behaviors, and loving consideration that are the foundations of healthy marriages.

At the same time, it’s also a bad sign if there’s anything in your “private” communications that you wouldn’t be 100% proud to share with your spouse. Like Amy says, airing your husband’s dirty laundry to the girls isn’t fair-it’s a breach of the trust you share by having such intimately connected lives. Hey, would you want him joking about your love-handles to the guys?

So, on the one hand foster independence in you marriage and stand up for your independence. And at the same time, be very careful how you use that independence!
What do you think, dear readers? Do you agree or disagree? Can you think of a time when it would be ok to check your spouse’s email?
Categories: Anger, Communication, Infidelity and Naomi

When it comes to intimacy in marriage, Men need cuddling, and lots of it!

Posted on July 15, 2011 in categories: As seen on ABCnews.com, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Interviews, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News, Naomi and Positivity. 2 Comments

Last week we talked about some surprising findings about sexual satisfaction in long-married couples. Today is part two of this post series.

Last week Dr. Susan Heitler was interviewed by abcNews.com for an article on a new study by the Kinsey Institute. In addition to sexual satisfaction, this study covered intimacy in marriage and relationship satisfaction in couples who were in decades-long marriages.

The results? It still just keeps getter better.

Rather than growing bored and frustrated with their spouses after decades of marriage, men and women around their 25th anniversary showed just the opposite. Couples reported being incredibly happy!

Unhappiness in marriage is often not due to irreconcilable differences, says Dr. Heilter, and one shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the marriage should end just because it’s not smooth sailing. “If too many interactions are frustrating or irritating, it’s best for couples to clean up their act with a skills upgrade rather than invite a goodbye from their partner.” Relationship traits such as: knowing how to communicate with your spouse, how to deal with jealousy, being able to have interesting conversations together, keeping the emotional tone in the household calm, being supportive and positive… are all skills you can learn!

A big part of this is keeping the relationship loving, and that’s where intimacy in marriage comes in. According to the study, non-sexual physical intimacy such as kissing, cuddling, and caressing became more important over time for men than for women. Men look to this behavior as a sign of a great relationship. Women valued intimacy highly, too, more so because it led to a greater enjoyment and frequency of sex.

“Prior research has shown that as people age, men focus more on general relationship satisfaction and women … increasingly value the sexual aspects of the relationship,” Dr. Heitler says. This may be because women tend to hit their sexual peak later than men, especially after the stress of child-rearing is over. “Men may become less concerned about sex because they are feeling spontaneously aroused less frequently with age. They still like sex, but they feel less desperate for it than in their younger years.”

Affection and intimacy in marriage-sexual and non-sexual-are what makes couples in decades long relationships more satisfied and happy than common stereotypes would have us believe.

In my clinical practice I see at all ages that couples who touch and hug with more frequency tend to feel more loved and loving. It’s a circular relationship. More touching yields more feelings of love, that in turn create more touching, and more loving feelings….. That’s how in relationships, “the rich get richer.” More positive interactions-both physical touch, smiles, listening, “I agree…”, appreciation- beget more loving.

So grow your intimacy in marriage-go ahead and be all lovey-dovey! Little unique ways of showing love can bond you two, like a special way you hold hands, or a certain pat on the cheek. How do you tend to express affection in your relationship?

Categories: As seen on ABCnews.com, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Interviews, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News, Naomi and Positivity

Older marriage? Better sex!

Posted on July 12, 2011 in categories: As seen on ABCnews.com, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Infidelity, Interviews, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills and Naomi. 1 Comment

A new study from the Kinsey Institute has some surprising findings about sex and intimacy as relationships age. The researchers interviewed 1,000 mid-life or older couples from across the U.S. who had been together for an average of 25 years. Dr. Susan Heitler was asked to weigh in on the findings for abcNews.com (Read that article here here).

Good news: sex just keeps getting better!

One myth busted by the study is that partners grow bored after years of sex with the same person. “In fact, satisfaction with their sexual lives seemed to grow over the years, particularly for women, but overall for both genders,” Dr, Heitler says. “Turns out that long-term monogamy seems to be good for enjoying ever-more-gratifying sex.”

Women’s satisfaction tends to dip during the stressful years of raising children. However, once children have moved out, their enjoyment of sex rockets even above men’s in multiple decade relationships. “My clinical experience corroborates this-it’s as if women in their fifties are especially delighted to discover how fun and gratifying sex can be-a discovery that men are more likely to have discovered with delight when they are younger.”

Sexual intimacy is crucial to a healthy relationship. “Good sex won’t make a great marriage, but insufficient sexual gratification can create problems,” Dr. Susan cautions. If sex becomes too infrequent, it can build irritability and frustration in one or both partners. If a couple does not seek sexless marriage help, the relationship will become distant and the risk of an affair increases. Unfortunately, sexual functioning usually takes a hit as we age. Difficulties with sexual desire, erections/arousal, and orgasm seem to discourage men the worst, whereas women take the blow a little easier. Some of these problems can be the result of procedures such as elective prostate surgery. This is especially difficult as a woman may be hitting the peak of her sexual enjoyment right around the time a man’s sexual performance may be suffering from age or surgery.

At the same time, Dr. Susan is confident that you can have a great sex life no matter what by simply knowing how to communicate with your spouse.

In my clinical experience, the key is how well the couple can talk over these problems. If sexual functioning problems develop and the partners clam up instead of talking with each other about the changes and how they each are adapting to them, that can spell trouble ahead.

In other words, keep your dialogue and minds open to ways to adapt to the changes.

Again, sex isn’t the end-all of a relationship. Our next post will continue this series with surprising insights into relationship satisfaction and non-sexual intimacy. Check back soon!

(If you want more on attitudes towards sex and aging, I suggest this great article.)

Categories: As seen on ABCnews.com, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Infidelity, Interviews, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills and Naomi

Po2 in the workplace: Coaching skills

Posted on July 7, 2011 in categories: Self Help and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

 

Hey everyone, this is Jesse, the tech-guy here at Power of Two!

Last week Naomi posted about how the skills taught in marriage counseling can translate into other areas of your life (read that post here). Here’s an article I wrote about another element of Power of Two that can really help you in the workplace: a good coach.

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At Power of Two everyone on our team has a coach; someone to help them, guide them, and push them to greatness. The idea started because our core business is pairing online marriage counseling with individual coaching for couples in challenging relationships. We’ve applied the idea to ourselves and found it to be hugely valuable. Here’s some pointers on what to look for in a good “coach” in your workplace.

An effective coach answers questions that you may not have even thought to ask.

1. Review your work product. The purpose of a coach is to advance your understanding beyond what you can do on your own. this only works if they have information beyond what you tell them. A coach should review developer’s code, designer’s designs, writer’s words, a customer developer’s iteration plans and results, etc. A person who gives advice without reviewing your work product is simply a mentor. Mentor’s are helpful, and good for one’s morale, but they are not a coach.
2. Have deep respect. The amount your learn from your coach depends on how much expertise they bring to the table and whether or not you value the suggestions they make enough to act on their suggestions. If you don’t act on your coach’s advice then it’s all just a waist of time.
3. Pay for the time. When you give your coach work to review you are asking to spend their time for your benefit. This relationship is much simpler and more likely to succeed if there is a balanced exchange of value.
4. Ask stupid questions. Your coach works for you. They are there to help you with both complex and things that you might think are stupid. Often it is the questions that initially seem stupid that point to an gap in your knowledge base or skill set.
5. Be a bit scared. Your coach’s job is to tear into your work, expose the weaknesses and then help you address them. This is ego-busting stuff. If you aren’t a bit scared about sending work to your coach then it’s time to find a new coach. At the same time, you should feel empowered after addressing the shortcomings that your coach has identified.

Engaging with a good coach will accelerate your learning curve and get you to the top of your game. It’s an essential tool for success. Who do you look to as a coach in your life?


Categories: Self Help and Uncategorized

Is TV making marriage problems worse?

Posted on July 1, 2011 in categories: Uncategorized. 0 Comments

When I saw that NBC had just launched a second season of a show called “The Marriage Ref”, I jumped online to check it out. If you’re looking for Jerry Springer style drama, this is not that kind of show. Each episode features three regular couples each struggling with some sort of conflict. Again, these aren’t frying-pan-in-the-face kind of marriage problems. One, for example, had to do with the husband’s obsession with growing giant pumpkins. Another was over a mother-in-law’s tendency to visit in chunks of up to 6 months at a time.

The quirky couples and their cute/funny problems are great, but the true stars of the show are the panel of celebrities who judge the situations and make hilarious comments throughout. The season premier featured Julian Moore, Ricky Gervais, and Jerry Seinfeld. Once the panelists have decided who out of the couples is right, the show ends with an audience vote on the “rightest-of-the-right.” That person wins $25,000 and “a billboard in their hometown declaring they are right.”

In a television culture that constantly dramatizes and exaggerates (or idealizes) marriage, it is refreshing to see a light-hearted show featuring real people. The couples are very likeable and everyone can relate to the conflicts between the husbands and wives: the in-law who won’t leave you alone; your husband’s obsession that seems to replace you. The show treads a fine line between lighthearted joking and actually making fun of the couples.

All in all, very entertaining.

BUT. I have a serious problem with the premise. The show is based on the idea of black-and-white conflict, that there are two irreconcilable viewpoints and one of them is right while the other is wrong. Conflict is exciting, and the ability to say, “I was right!” is immensely satisfying. At the same time, this is not the right way to think for a healthy relationship! Believing that only one person can be right immediately creates a push-and-pull dynamic and sets you up for more conflicts in the future.

My advice to the Marriage Ref? Use a dash of Power of Two Win-win decision making skills. Make the show about finding satisfying solutions to marriage problems that address each person’s underlying concerns. This isn’t about making sacrifices, either. It’s about finding alternatives that both of you are happy with. (Click here for some examples). Remember, you and your spouse aren’t opponents! You’re on the same team!

Sure, collaborative decision making isn’t as exciting as a battle for marital supremacy, but it would set a much better example for healthy marriages. And if they really need some dramatic pizzazz, they could set off some crazy pyrotechnics at the end when a win-win resolution is set. KABOOM! CONFLICT RESOLVED.

Categories: Uncategorized