Monthly Archive for October, 2011

The dad connection

Posted on October 31, 2011 in categories: Just For Fun, Media Mondays and Naomi. 0 Comments

As I wrote about in my last post about planning a wedding budget, weddings aren’t just an emotional and meaningful event for two people: they ripple out into entire communities of friends and family. I came across this adorable video from the great people at blackandmarriedwithkids.com and it just melted my heart. I have a very close relationship to my dad. He would play with me tirelessly as a girl, enthusiastically taking part in my tea parties and creating elaborate stories with me when I got tired on long hikes or drives. We remain very close and I love him dearly.

I started thinking about the special daddy-daughter bond in our culture, and that got me looking into the origins of wedding ceremonies. In the olden days marriage was viewed as a strategic transaction between families. As the head of the family the father essentially owned his wife and children. He would “give the bride away” to her new family, transferring that ownership to her husband. Now this sounds pretty darn coldhearted, but this was just the accepted, underlying structure of society. I’m sure that on top of that structure there were strong, loving bonds between families, fathers and their daughters, and many marriages were based on choice and love.

Today we don’t have the same ideas of ownership, and we consider the decision of the bride and groom to wed most important. Yet we have the same marriage ceremonies. Because of this, I’ve heard arguments that traditional weddings are insulting because they reflect old fashioned sexism. What right does a father have to “give” his daughter to anyone? And when I do think about it, I see where those objections come from. At the same tim, I think traditional ceremonies work.

Marriage does not mean the same thing as it did 100+ years ago. The groom is likely not the first man the bride has dated. It probably isn’t the first time the bride is leaving her family home. There probably wasn’t a dowry involved. Yet it is a powerful marker of a new stage in life for the bride and groom. The parents are at the very least emotionally releasing their child into a new life. It is a ceremony that marks passage and transition. The newlyweds are beginning a new family, and this has a huge impact in the dynamics of all families involved.

So why not honor all the history between the parent and child? All those years of diapers, toys, school, first loves, tears and laughter, and every thing else it has meant to raise a child into adulthood. I think it is amazingly sweet. I really enjoy this video because of the tender relationship it reveals. The bride has just the biggest grin on her face. Her dad is a talented dancer and is struttin’ his stuff. When they dance and look at each other, that, ladies and gentlemen, is pure love. And that is what a wedding is all about.

Categories: Just For Fun, Media Mondays and Naomi

Stopping arguing doesn’t necessarily stop divorce

Posted on October 27, 2011 in categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Emotional Regulation, In the Press, Marriage in the News, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Marriage Prep/Engagement and Naomi. 0 Comments

A new study from Ohio State University is challenging long-help assumptions about marital happiness, arguing, and how to stop divorce. Married couples are often assumed to start out relatively blissful and then dissolve into bickering and fighting. However, it turns out that a couple’s level of fighting and happiness are both stable factors over the course of a relationship. Researches identified three types of marriages among 2,000 married couples over two decades: low-conflict, (16% of participants); moderate-conflict, (60%); and high-conflict (22%). They found that these groups stayed more or less consistent over the 20 year study.

Interestingly, the study found that the frequency of argument did not necessarily predict how happy or unhappy a couples was. Rather, levels of positivity, intimacy, and resolution skills were more important. In other words, a marriage that had disagreements did not mean misery, and a marriage devoid of conflict did not necessarily stop divorce.

Certain couples were designated as “volatile,” meaning they had high conflict but also mid to high happiness ratings. These couples may have disagreements often, but I’m guessing they are strong on other skill areas such as resolution and intimacy. After all, it is inevitable that you and your spouse will be at odds about things; the key is knowing how to deal with that without causing hurt feelings.

The most divorce prone group was described as “hostile”. Interestingly, it didn’t matter whether or not these couples argued much-they were miserable. Hostility is a pattern of negativity that can take many forms. Dr. Heitler and I have talked before about how toxic even small bits of negativity can be. Habits that are all not outright forms of conflict-such as sarcasm, put-downs, avoidance, the silent treatment, and passive-aggressive acts-can be just as tragically damaging to a marriage. According to the study, these are the danger signs to watch out for the most in your relationship.

This study brings up some very good advice for thinking about marriage. Marriage is a huge decision-it is a commitment for life. Chances are you are marrying your loved one because you intend that relationship to last and stop divorce. Take a good long look at how you interact as a couple now. Although you both will continue to change and grow as people, this right now is the basis for how you will interact for life. It is especially important to look for warning signs of abuse and control in your relationship. Does your fiance do things that make you seriously uncomfortable? These behaviors will NOT disappear after you wed. This is the time to seriously evaluate if you want to be legally, emotionally and spiritually bound together.

At the same time, I firmly believe any relationship is open to change with the right tools and dedication. I would be interested to see the statistics for relationship counseling among these subjects. Did any of them try couples counseling or marriage enrichment to improve their marriage? While this study shows even “hi-conflict” marriages can be happy, I would argue that if couples made the switch to low conflict, they could be even happier. Conflict takes up time and energy that could instead be put towards building a loving and supportive marriage. Real transformation can be accomplished with skill based learning and practice. We all have the ability to change our habits if we truly dedicate ourselves to the task. So don’t just settle for the marriage you have if you feel it could be better. Go out and chase your happily-ever-after!

Categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Emotional Regulation, In the Press, Marriage in the News, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Marriage Prep/Engagement and Naomi

An unforgettable event on a small wedding budget

Posted on October 24, 2011 in categories: Just For Fun, Marriage Prep/Engagement, Media Mondays, Money and Marriage and Naomi. 0 Comments

Last weekend I was honored to attend the wedding of a good friend. It was a sweet and beautiful event, and had a lot of great inspiration for how to make a relationship last while involving your guests and having a great time on a low wedding budget.

The couple, “K” and “N” had already been living together since getting engaged two years ago. As a result, they had no need for the pots and pans, matching plate sets, Cuisinarts and other traditional home-making gifts. Since more and more couples are living together before marriage, this is a pretty common situation. They came up with a great alternative. The couple decided that instead of accepting presents or a gift registry, they would ask for participation from their guests to help make the wedding extra special.

First, they held the wedding at a 4H campground N had gone to many times as a child. It was a beautiful secluded camp with a creek running through tall redwoods. Guests had the opportunity to come early and stay the whole weekend camping, or to rent rooms in the hotel of a nearby town. The days leading up the the wedding were full of fun activities. All were invited to help decorate the grounds, make bouquets and create fun centerpieces. This was especially good for the little kids running around. The night before the big day there was a big latin-themed potluck and masquerade.

So many things made this weekend special. I appreciated being invited to participate in the wedding. It reminded me that this is not only the union of two people, it is the joining of two families sets of friends into one big new community. By the time the ceremony came, I felt I had bonded with the other guests. And, by having friends and family help out, K and N were able to keep the wedding simple, intimate, and low-cost.

Of course, camping weddings in the forest aren’t for everyone! At the same time, involving your guests in some way can make the event extra meaningful. There are creative ways for everyone can participate, no matter what the budget or style of the wedding! Here’s a great video, done on a big budget, that inspired me to write this post. It’s very different from my camping experience, but just the kind of thing I’m talking about. You can check out how they put together this amazing video at junebugweddings.com.

 

Categories: Just For Fun, Marriage Prep/Engagement, Media Mondays, Money and Marriage and Naomi

Be a cute couple for life

Posted on October 17, 2011 in categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and Your Health, Media Mondays and Naomi. 1 Comment

“I want to grow old with you.”

I think this is one of the sweetest things for a cute couple to say to each other. When you first take those wedding vows, it’s hard to really grasp that you will be together till death do you part. Yes, if all goes well, one day you will be old together. So how do you want that old age to look? From books to TV shows to songs, we get bombarded with the image of a grumpy old couple who can’t stop bickering at each other about their marriage problems. They micromanage and nag and are an overall nuisance for everyone. Not only does this perpetuate nasty stereotypes about marriage (marriage is torture, it’s sacrifice, it’s a ball and chain) it sends a bad message about what older adults are like.

Your relationship will change and grow just as you do. It will be very different than it was when you pledged your lives together. At the same time, healthy marriage looks the same no matter what the age. Sharing sweet moments, keeping a close bond, listening to each other, sharing, going on adventures together-all these things are just as important on your 50th anniversary as they are on your 5th.

In fact, keeping up a healthy, lively relationship with your spouse can help you live longer. Having a partner to interact and try out new activities with will keep your mind sharp. The emotional support and physical touch of a spouse will also help you stay healthy as you age. Life is for living, and a spouse is there so make sure you live it fully.

Check out this video of a cute couple performing an impromptu duet in the lobby of the Mayo Clinic. Their cheeky sense of fun and togetherness is inspiring for marriages of all ages.

Enjoy!

 

Categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and Your Health, Media Mondays and Naomi

Materialism and your marriage are not compatable

Posted on October 13, 2011 in categories: As seen on ABCnews.com, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Marriage in the News, Money and Marriage and Naomi. 0 Comments

Two noteworthy things happened today regarding marriage and money. One made me smile, the other made me think. The two are connected in a wonderful way.

First, today was the wedding of Bhutan’s charming young king Wangchuck to his longtime girlfriend, Jetsun Pema, a commoner. Not much was said about the bride in the SF Chronicle article, except that the king desired a queen who was “a good human being as well as unwavering in her commitment to the people and the country.” He found all that in his sweet fiance.

In addition to this being a heartwarming union, the following caught my eye:

Wangchuck’s father, the country’s revered fourth king, introduced to the world the philosophy of Gross National Happiness, the idea that spiritual and mental well-being matter as much as money, and that material gain should not come at the expense of the environment or culture.

I started thinking about how Gross National Happiness could be connected to marriage. The plot began to thicken after I read today’s Second Noteworthy Thing….

Today abcNews.com reported that couples who are focused on earning and spending money tend to have significantly less happy marriages. A Brigham Young University study found that “materialism was associated with spouses having lower levels of responsiveness and less emotional maturity. Materialism was also linked to less effective communication, higher levels of negative conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and less marriage stability.”

There are several possible explanations for the findings. Firstly, materialism may be the indicator of a slew of other problems, such as childhood neglect, low self-esteem, or compulsions, that are the real root of marriage problems. Materialistic traits have also been found to go hand-in-hand with a whole host of problematic behaviors. “People who are materialistic tend to be narcissistic and concerned with impressing people,” said Dr. Heitler, interviewed for the article.”They have a tendency to be anxious, depressed, have relatively poor relationship skills and have low self-esteem. These qualities in turn can cause marital problems.”

On the other hand, it could simply be that an individual’s obsession with keeping up with the Joneses leaves him little time to work on his marriage.

Financial stability is important in keeping a marriage strong and happy. However, studies have shown that once individuals get beyond the amount of money needed to keep them secure and free, happiness does not continue to increase with higher income or more “stuff”. In fact, more assets and belongings actually increase stress. So back to Bhutan and the idea of Gross National Happiness. I agree that happiness and wellbeing are far more important than what you spend. I challenge you to start thinking about your Gross Domestic Happiness just like any other asset. It is just as-if not more- important as your finances. Check in on the account once an a while. Do you need to invest a little more? Knowing how to communicate in a relationship is essential for this.

I wish King Wangchuck and Queen Jetsun Pema a long and happy marriage. I hope the national values instilled by Wangchuck’s father will help keep the destructiveness of materialism far from their home and the homes of Bhutan’s citizens.

 

Categories: As seen on ABCnews.com, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Marriage in the News, Money and Marriage and Naomi

The art of the funny wedding theme

Posted on October 10, 2011 in categories: Just For Fun, Marriage Prep/Engagement, Media Mondays and Naomi. 0 Comments

These couples let their individuality and special bond shine through by choosing a funny wedding theme. It’s not for everyone…but for those who rock it, rock it hard! Kudos to the amount of preparation and creativity (and good humor of their guests) seen in these pictures. If you’re thinking of your own funny wedding theme, just go with your instincts. It doesn’t matter if it’s been done before-it’s all about what makes YOU two feel special and sets you off right on your life journey. Enjoy these crazy, creative photos.

 

This couple has been dying to get hitched for ages:

A shotgun wedding in a galaxy far, far away.

Yaba-daba-I-do!

In later millenia the traditional “clubbing of the bride and groom” was replaced with throwing rice.

They have two marriage licenses-it’s tough having a double identity!

He thinks she’s a real catch.

All the guests received 3D glasses for the ceremony.

“I fell down into a wedding ring of fire…”

No ghosts invited.

Well prepared for their happily ever after…

 

 

Categories: Just For Fun, Marriage Prep/Engagement, Media Mondays and Naomi

What are you fighting for?

Posted on October 6, 2011 in categories: Anger, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Naomi and Positivity. 0 Comments

Dr. Heitler’s Psychology Today post just came out and has almost immediately been listed as an “essential read.” Her topic is protest. She starts off talking about the political battles being fought around the world right now, especially the “Arab Spring” and the Occupy Wall Street protests. She then focuses down on our own personal battles. We end up much happier, she notes, when we are able to fight for something instead of just against something.

The power of positivity is one of my favorite subjects. There’s something to be said for not being too optimistic or naive. At the same time, more and more scientific studies come out that show being negative and anxious increases your chances of everything from headaches to heart attacks. If you believe bad things happen to you, they often do. If you believe good things happen to you, they often will.

I think scholars and leaders throughout history have touched on this subject. The Christian teachings of Jesus famously ask followers to always hold hope, faith, and love in their hearts…and so do teachings of Islam, Buddhism and Judaism and Hinduism. I can’t think of any belief system whose main tenants are for followers to be constantly fearful, pessimistic, and morose (this may occur among some sects but…well, I don’t want to get into that argument). The main message from all spheres of science and faith is that to attain happiness you must first embrace a positive mindset.

So back to protests. In her article, Dr. Heitler talks about the difference between today’s protests and the protests of the 60s she remembers. The 60s protests and the era in general had an atmosphere of joy and optimism. The protesters weren’t just against war or racism, they stood for peace, equality, and free expression. Much of todays politics and protest, in contrast, is about demonstrating against something and expressing shame, anger, guilt, and outrage. While strong negative emotions can be important motivators, it’s equally essential to have something good and tangible you are working towards. As Dr. Heitler asks, if you don’t have an identifiable goal, how are you going to get there?

It’s the same with your marriage problems as it is with a political idea. It’s much easier to find points of agreement when you talk about the things you like instead of focusing on what you don’t want or don’t like about the other person’s position. Chances are both of you have similar desires, and by being flexible you can find overlapping solutions to reach your goals. Getting stuck on what you don’t want is like pushing, while talking about what you would like is pulling. You can push against each other all you want, or you can band together to pull towards your common goals. This ends in mutually satisfying solutions.

Dr. Heitler’s article has made me think a lot about how the skills we teach in relationship counseling are incredibly important in all our interactions with fellow humans (for more see this post on PO2 in the workplace). I’d be interested to hear what you think.

Categories: Anger, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Naomi and Positivity

A kid’s take on healthy relationships

Posted on October 3, 2011 in categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and Kids, Media Mondays and Naomi. 0 Comments

Our understanding of healthy relationships comes from watching our parents. Asking a child “what is marriage” is a revealing experience. Children tend to see the basics in things much better than adults, and they are always observing and learning.

This adorable little boy, Jesse, must have happy parents (even more brownie points to them for giving him the opportunity to be on Sesame Street!). The first thing he notes is that married people kiss and hug. They show each other affection every day. Physical signs of affection are essential to a young child’s development and is their most basic understanding of love. Physical intimacy continues to be a core human need and is part of the foundation of healthy relationships. Give your spouse hugs and kisses. Cuddle up, stroke her hair, take his hand and give it a squeeze. Physicality shouldn’t always be a prelude to sex, but it is certainly a part of sexless marriage help. Touch (all kinds) is therapeutic and should be part of your everyday interactions. Scientific studies have shown that touching and intimacy release chemicals in your brain that promote relaxation, warm feelings, and bonding with your partner.

Grover has some great insights about marriage, too. He points out (and Jesse agrees) that marriage is about living together, being friends, and helping each other. While the online marriage counseling field often goes into detail about marriage skills and our smallest interactions, sometimes it’s helpful to step back to think about the basics. Kissing, hugging, friends, helping.

How might your kids answer the question “What is marriage”? Why not try asking them-it could be very revealing.

Categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and Kids, Media Mondays and Naomi