Monthly Archive for December, 2011

TV giving bad advice on how to deal with infidelity

Posted on December 29, 2011 in categories: Infidelity, Marriage in the News, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Naomi and Positivity. 0 Comments

The LA Times released an article yesterday on the prevalence of adultery in primetime television. As the author points out, adultery has been the subject of plot drama since the Bible—it’s nothing new. At the same time, storylines involving cheating are popping up all over TV dramas at a much higher incidence than any point in the past.

Julie Albright, a sociologist at USC, attributes the trend to increasing cynicism about marriage. Marriage has never been less popular. In 1960, 72% of U.S. adults were married. Now that number is 51%. “People believe marriages don’t work anyway,” Albright says, “so seeing affairs on TV kind of serves as a model for how things can and will go bad.”

The prevalence of adultery on TV doesn’t actually reflect reality. Although it’s hard to measure infidelity, some studies suggest that 20% of married people will stray at some point in their marriage. Right now it seems that 100% of current TV drama couples have cheating in them. It appears that, once again, TV exaggerates truth for entertainment value.

So what’s wrong with some imaginary drama on TV if, as I said before, it’s been a theme of storytelling since the Bible? After all, these show certainly aren’t promoting infidelity as something good. The cheating causes real problems for the characters, and how to deal with infidelity and make amends drives the drama of the shows. In fact, viewers and producers have expressed concern when cheaters don’t get their comeuppance. Cheating is definitely still bad.

My problem is that by portraying cheating so commonplace in every marriage, our entertainment is establishing the idea that infidelity, while bad, is an expected element of a marriage. And affair is simply what happens in marriage. That is a terrible attitude to have and it reinforces negative stereotypes about marriage that can have real negative effects on peoples’ lives. Especially once they realize that how to deal with infidelity in the real world doesn’t tie up so nicely as a soap opera plotline.

Along this line, The Parents Television Council released a report stating marriage is “regularly mocked and denigrated” on television. It seems that “sex with anyone, up to and including a dead person or a farm animal, is more exciting than sex with your spouse.” I think they have a point. It is unfortunate when TV, as a whole, completely disregards marriage as anything but a state of suffering and boredom that is destined to fail.

Let’s show them they’re WRONG! Be positive about marriage. Count your joys and blessings. Don’t accept that your marriage will fail, even when things are rough. Marriage ain’t easy, and there’s plenty of help out there for you, whether it’s marriage help books or online marriage counseling. You CAN do it!

Categories: Infidelity, Marriage in the News, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Naomi and Positivity

Homeless family resources make a world of difference

Posted on December 12, 2011 in categories: In the Press, Marriage and Kids, Media Mondays, Money and Marriage and Naomi. 2 Comments

As cost of living rises while income doesn’t, and many low-wage employees find their jobs replaced by machines or oversees workers, homelessness has become a terrible reality for many families. Thankfully, homeless family resources such as shelters and job seeking programs can provide a vital lifeline to let these families get back on their feet. Many cultures take the winter holidays to think about charity and helping our communities, and this inspired me to share this heart-breaking and amazing short documentary about the families at the YWCA shelter in Columbus, OH.

The documentary starts with some pretty scary statistics. In 2009, the shelter board allocated around $5,000 to overflow homeless family resources. In the summer of 2011, they needed nearly one million dollars to provide overflow care. In July 2010, the shelter was forced to turn away 119 families that came for aid because they didn’t have the space to serve them. This past summer, that number jumped to 1,000 seeking aid that couldn’t be accommodated. And 60% of these families needing shelter are new to the homeless resource system.

The video then focuses on two families living in the shelter. The first are Andrew and April and their three kids. While both parents are still working, the family lost their home when Andrew’s higher paying job went over seas. Then we meet Keishauna, who lost her job and after marriage problems found herself a single mom of a young girl after 10 years of marriage. We follow Keishauna as she searches for a new job and an apartment that will lease to her.

I usually feel like homelessness is so far away from me. I had a real wake up call after an article in the SF Chronicle that stated more and more families-everyday families like myself and my neighbors-are winding up homeless. In fact, the Chronicle reported that there are 2,200 homeless children in the San Francisco public school system, 400 more than just last year. Chances are, your child knows and is friends with a kid who is homeless or on the brink of homelessness.

As the documentary says, “To raise a family with nothing, not even a home, takes immeasurable strength.” I amazed at the families shown in this video, especially Keishauna as she stays strong and supportive for her daughter and continues to smile through all her misfortunes. Check out this well-made documentary and please consider donating clothes, furniture, toys, and any other useful used items from your house to your local shelter. If you are struggling yourself, I encourage you to explore the homeless family resources available at your local shelter. You’ll find wonderful, kind people and lots of job and home hunting help to give you a lifeline. Visit http://www.familyhomelessness.org/ for information and directories.

Categories: In the Press, Marriage and Kids, Media Mondays, Money and Marriage and Naomi

The #1 help for marriage? Assume the best in your partner-Guest Post

Posted on December 8, 2011 in categories: Communication, Depression, Guest Post and Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills. 0 Comments

This is a Power of Two guest post by Lori Lowe, a blogger providing help for marriage at MarriageGems.com and author of FIRST KISS TO LASTING BLISS: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage due out Dec. 8th at http://www.loridlowe.com/firstkissbook.html. This book chronicles the journey of multiple couples as they struggle, find joy, and grow their marriages.

After the death of their infant son, John and Kathy Eubanks were more than devastated. The parents weren’t even comforted with a complete explanation for his condition, which led to multiple organ failure. Because of this lack of information, they weren’t sure if they could or should have other children. The lactating mom, Kathy, was hormonal and extremely emotional. John soon returned to work where he saw little sympathy from coworkers, many of whom didn’t even acknowledge his loss.

Their marriage became strained. Kathy stopped sleeping at night and suffered from depression. John stopped attempting to comfort her. They grieved separately and took turns turning to alcohol to numb their pain. They lacked compassion for the other’s feelings. They ate dinner in silence.

Nine months later, John returned home to Kathy crying again and said, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” He says he meant that it was very hard to see her suffering. However, Kathy interpreted his comment to mean, “If you don’t get happy, I will leave.” She was convinced divorce was imminent because of her assumption.

The Eubanks are one of twelve couples whose stories are featured in my new book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. All the couples face various tests and decisions, and all of them find help for marriage and a happy ending. The Eubanks’ case may be unusual for its level of despair, but the misunderstanding itself is all too common in marriage.

How often do you hear your spouse say something and assume a meaning that wasn’t intended? It happens to my husband and me frequently. As we unravel a dispute, I’ll tell him what my understanding was, and he’ll say, “How did you get that? That’s not what I said.” The truth is that even as married couples who think we know each other enough to read one another’s minds, we cannot.

Power of Two calls this confusion of what-I-think-you-think, and visa versa, “Spaghetti Talk.” To avoid misunderstandings, talk only about yourself. Ask clarifying questions when necessary. For example, “I thought you said x, what did you say?” Each person can clearly state their feelings, and usually this leads to a common understanding. I know it is a helpful process for me.

And it’s exactly how the Eubanks family ended their misunderstanding. One day Kathy confronted her husband and asked, “Are you planning to divorce me?” (Remember that was her assumption due to his earlier statement.) John was taken by surprise and said, “No way.” It led to a breakthrough discussion where they shared their feelings and made a commitment to grieve together and to be unified in their suffering. And eventually it helped them get past their grief together. Their son, J.D., would be 18 years old today, and they know he would not have wanted their marriage to end because of his death.

There is much more to their story, including Kathy’s scary past marriage to an abusive husband, and their happy future with other children. Today, they feel their marriage is “100 times stronger” due to the fact that they weathered that storm together.

How are you misunderstanding your spouse in your communications—both big and small? Are you assuming the best in your spouse? Are you giving him or her the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are positive? Be sure to untangle the “spaghetti talk” and clarify your understanding when you are having a disagreement.

If you’d like to learn more about the Eubanks family’s journey to a great marriage, you can also read about 11 other remarkable couples who overcame many challenges, including infidelity, drug abuse, military separation, stranger rape, infertility, opposing religions, financial crises, depression, cancer, brain injury and much more. Their powerful stories can help you see your marriage with a new perspective and gain lessons and insights through their experiences. Whether you have a strong marriage and would just like to maintain and grow your relationship, or whether you are working through a difficult time, these stories have the power to change your attitudes, and change your marriage for the better.

Connect with Lori or get more information about FIRST KISS TO LASTING BLISS: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage at http://www.loridlowe.com/firstkissbook.html or at www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss. You can find hundreds of research-based help for marriage tips at MarriageGems.

Categories: Communication, Depression, Guest Post and Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills

Protected: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss Extra: Welcome to PO2 Games!

Posted on December 6, 2011 in categories: Uncategorized. Enter your password to view comments.

Categories: Uncategorized

Funny Family Photos-Holiday Edition

Posted on December 5, 2011 in categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and In-laws, Media Mondays and Naomi. 0 Comments

Ah, the holidays. Tis the season to receive and send out greeting cards with family photos and updates on everything that’s gone on in your life for the past year. Picking that cover photo for the card can result in some pretty funny family photos. Trying to get all the kids to stand still? Getting everyone’s eyes open? Incorporating your dog or cat into the picture? A recipe for disaster…and hilarity!

In preparation and inspiration for sending out my own holiday greetings, I’ve been trolling through examples of what other families have done. The final pictures I get from friends always seem so perfect. Everyone looks great, calm, focused, and holiday spirited-no unruly kids, no stress, no marriage problems. And after all, that is the point, but man, it makes me feel like my family is just insane compared to everyone else’s. Do you ever wish that you could see other people’s outtakes? You know, the 100 pictures beforehand that will never see the public light of day, so-help-me-Gawd?

Well, I discovered that you can! My favorite holiday distraction is Awkward Family Photos, a website that allows you to submit all your bad, funny, outrageous and downright strange family photos for public enjoyment. It’s filled with snapshots of passing fads and fashion faux pas-big hair, glasses, braces, mullets-and misguided attempts at sassy group poses. One reason that I love this website is that it is never mean-spirited and it’s always family friendly. Users submit their own funny family photos and often have crazy explanations to go along with the pictures. It’s like group therapy-a small way to share the ridiculousness of our families with the world. And, it turns out that everyone’s family is a little crazy and a little eccentric.

The holidays are a notoriously stressful time for dealing with family. On Thursday I’ll be posting some great tips for keeping your marriage strong and how to communicate with your spouse through the months of in-laws, outlaws, holiday parties, and events. But first, some silliness and media for Media Monday. In the spirit of the holidays and all they entail in celebrating the awkwardness and love of our own families, I present to you my favorite funny family photos from akwardfamilyphotos.com. May they bring you cheer, laughter, and a bit more tolerance for your own crazy clan.

And lastly, my very favorite:

Categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and In-laws, Media Mondays and Naomi