Monthly Archive for February, 2012

Bully: a brave new film

Bullying is a very real, life-changing and potentially life-threatening experience that millions of kids go through every year. It has received more attention in recent years do to what seems like an epidemic of young children ending their lives because of it. I remember first feeling the outrage in 2009 when I heard that an 11 year old hung himself after enduring constant anti-gay bulling. Yes, an 11 year old.

Why are certain kids bullied? Because they are socially awkward, or (perceived to be) gay, or have an accent, or are smaller than others or have a learning disability. Sometimes it seems for no reason at all. Once a kid begins being bullied, he immediately falls into a ruthless pattern of repeated abuse. He becomes the pariah.

How do we communicate to our children-both the bullies, the victims, and the bystanders-that this behavior is wrong? Also important, how do we communicate to adults that it is unacceptable to turn a blind eye and that action must be taken? I believe it will be very difficult to cultivate a just, civil society if we teach our children that violence is an acceptable form of expression towards those we dislike, that turning a blind eye to injustice is expected, and that society will provide no help for its victims. Additionally, the idea that it is natural to be dominated and to dominate others will interfere with their ability to form healthy relationships as adults. “Bullying” of one’s spouse is a type of marriage problem that is very serious and devastatingly common-in some cases we call is abuse. It should not be tolerated in children or adults.

There is an amazing new documentary coming out March 30th titled “Bully.” This film has the potential to reach both children and adults in a profound way. School administrators are considering screening it in middle and high schools across the country, and you can watch the trailer below. Recently, the film has hit a major road bump: the MPAA has given it an R rating. This means that no children under 17 can see it without a parent and it will not be allowed to be shown at schools. As far as I can tell, the movie was just one vote short of being approved as PG-13, and the objection was rough language used by some of the bullies. The producers appealed the decision and it was denied again.

Katy Butler is a high school student from Wisconson who has started an online petition to get the MPAA to downgrade the rating to PG-13. She herself is a victim of bullying. As Katy puts it, the MPAA’s decision “means that a film documenting the abuse that millions of kids experience through bullying won’t be seen by the audience that needs to see it the most.” As of this post, the petition had 115,604 signatures.

Watch the trailer, decide for yourself, and let me know what you think! How do you approach the topic of bullying with your child? Were you bullied or a bully in school?

What’s your style of intimacy in relationships?

You enjoy holding hands when you walk down the street and you can tell that your spouse doesn’t like it. In fact, she doesn’t seem comfortable with much physical intimacy outside of sex. Is your marriage in trouble? Turns out you may just have opposite styles of intimacy in relationships.

According to a recent Wall Street Journal article, we tend to settle into relationships with our intimacy style opposites. Giving types shower their spouses with loving gestures and cuddle time. They enjoy drawing out reactions from their more reserved partners. Their Reserved spouses secretly enjoy the commitment and loving gestures of the givers-they just aren’t comfortable with reciprocating.

Much of our preferences for intimacy in relationships comes from our early family environment. Some families are very “touchy-huggy-kissy” and display affection through physical intimacy. Other families express love and caring by spending quality time together, planning adventures and meals, and helping each other out. These experiences frame our expectations for what a loving relationship will look like. Falling in love with someone of the opposite style can be confusing and unsettling when our expectations aren’t met.

"A kissy-wissy for my wovely Wifey-poo!"

Marriage problems arise when these differences go unacknowledged and un-discussed and assumptions are made about the causes of the behavior. If you are a reserved or avoidant type, make sure your spouse knows you love him/her very, very much, and just have a different way of expressing it. Also be clear on how to communicate in a relationship about when you are upset or feeling down. This way your spouse won’t have to worry that your normal reserved personality is a sign that something is wrong-he knows that if something is wrong, you will tell him.

In the end, making marriage work between intimacy opposites takes adaptation on both sides. Your intimacy style is part learned and it can change. Be open and accepting of who each of you are and what you need, and also stay willing to experiment with new ways of being. At the same time, marriage counseling can help you work through underlying issues that may be causing trouble. For example, you may be reserved and avoidant because you have experienced a traumatic relationship in the past. Delving into these issues with your spouse and marriage counselor will help increase understanding and compassion, and strengthen your relationship!

Learn how to make a marriage work before you get married

If you love someone enough to consider marrying them, the best gift you can give them is learning how to make a marriage work before you exchange vows. Chances are you’ve already been together long enough to know each other’s flaws and to recognize your own areas for improvement. Perhaps you’ve been together through thick and thin, broken up, reconciled differences, and moved forwards together. Knowing how you work through issues together and having the commitment to getting marriage counseling to better your skills will set your marriage off on the right track.

I fell in love with this “Save the Date” video (below) because not only is it artistically done but tells a beautiful story. This was a great portrait of a relationship that has the skills for how to make a marriage work. Before getting hitched this couple had already learned to work together to overcome differences, showed commitment and compassion for the other’s concerns and desires, and were willing to be flexible an open-minded for each other. These are key elements of how to make a relationship last.

The two lovers start out seeming very different: the woman is a fashionista who loves shopping and elegance; the man is a football fan who is never without his junk food. They meet and realize they have much more in common than first appears. At the same time, their relationship runs into problems because of their superficial differences-they can’t appreciate each other’s lifestyles. In the end, time passes, they learn and grow, adventures are had and…well, you’ll see!

Watch the video and let me know what you think. How do you know when/if you are ready to get married? What kind of issues did you deal with during your engagement? What do you think is the most important pre-marital step in how to make a marriage work?

Marriage Issues: How to stop nagging before it kills your marriage

Nagging is one of the most debilitating marriage issues, right up there with adultery as a leading cause of divorce, says Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein. Nagging is a pattern of negative communication in a relationship. One person asks for something and receives either a vague response or silence. The asking continues, inciting more resistance in the other person.

According to Bernstein’s research, women are more prone to nag because they are conditioned to feel responsible for managing home life. They are also more sensitive to signs that there is something wrong with their spouse. A vague or non-response from their spouse tends to worry women, and so they continue asking. An anxious, obsessive, or highly organized personality of any gender will be more inclined to nag.At the same time, nagees report feeling scolded like a child, not being trusted to be responsible, and having their needs and way of doing things unappreciated. Many couples begin fighting about nagging and end up ignoring the core issues underneath-each individual’s concerns and needs.

Here are some tips for dealing with nagging before it becomes one of your worst marriage issues:

1. Admit you are part of the problem. When it comes to the nagging cycle, both parties are guilty and both have work to do to solve their marriage issues. The good news is, there are many steps you can take to find win-win solutions that will leave you both satisfied.

2. When you ask for things, try to frame your request in the least aggressive way possible. The wife in the article began using Post-it notes with funny messages from, for example, the sink that needed unclogging. By communicating through notes instead of face-to-face her husband didn’t feel so attacked and stressed.

3. Try an experiment. Ask once, give a reasonable deadline, and then wait-no more asking in between! Chances are, your spouse will end up accomplishing the task. This may help you realize that he/she does things at his/her own pace, and your requests do get honored in the end. If he doesn’t follow through, you two need to site down and talk about expectations. Begin by explaining your own feelings -how you feel let down and frustrated when something that matters to you is left undone-to avoid being accusatory. Remain open-minded and interested to hear his side of the story.

4. For repeated things that need to get done, such as chores, make a written agreement of how and when each task will be accomplished. Explain to each other what you are willing and able to do each week, and how you prefer to have it done. If you disagree about something, remember to look deep into your underlying reason behind your opinion-don’t get stuck on one solution to your concern when you can find another solution that works for both of you!

Working through nagging issues involves much learning about “what makes the other person tick.” You will grow closer from the process and your marriage will grow stronger!