Monthly Archive for April, 2012

Body Language: Fantasy Photoshopped Celebrity Couples

Posted on April 30, 2012 in categories: Communication, Emotional Regulation, Intimacy, Just For Fun, Naomi and Positivity. 0 Comments

Ever shared which celebrity you would date if you could? While your friends answered Brad Pitt or Megan Fox, did you answer “Waterfront-era-Marlon-Brando” or 30s Bombshell Veronica Lake? While now neither is impossible! At least for each other…. Thanks to modern technology (which has reached a new level with the use of deceased celebrities’ holograms) , here are 10 impossible but amazingly classy combinations of celebrity couples regardless of era.

Beyond the brilliance of the photoshop job on some of these pictures, what do you think about the premise? Would these relationships work out? We might be able to tell just by looking at the posture of the couples…and in this case, how well the photoshop artist mimicked the postures of real, loving couples.

I’ve written before about cute couples photos and how pictures can both reveal and hide the reality of situation. A smiling couple isn’t necessarily a happy couple. Beyond looking cheerful, the position of our hands, the tilt of our head, and our stance towards our partner reveal subtleties about our relationship with our spouse. Celebrity gossip magazines like to capitalize on these hidden clues by bringing in body language experts to analyze couples photos for potential marital problems. Sometimes they’re spot on-the couple is going through a rough patch. Other times the picture taker simply caught the couple in motion or at a bad angle.

Body language cues are subtle and complex, and good to know about. Some communication experts believe the up to 90% of what we say comes in the form of non-verbal communication. WebMD has a useful article on the most common body language indicators for communication in relationships and in the office.

Synchrony: Synchrony is when your body language mimics your partner’s. This is a subtle yet important way we express empathy and agreement with the other person-you “sync up” physically as well as mentally and emotionally. The more we mimic, the more likely we are to have a similar opinion, and to feel positive and supportive emotions. This can be indicated by copying your partner’s crossed arms, or arms on hips, or tilt of the head. It’s kind of fun to catch yourself doing it! On the other side, if you are projecting opposing body language such as facing away, avoiding eye contact, or fidgeting, it may be a sign that you are feeling oppositional.

Always, if you’re picking up unspoken negative body language from your spouse, act on it and ask directly if anything is wrong. Never just assume wordlessly-sometimes our interpretations are way off!

One last fun tip from WebMD is for dinner with the inlaws:

“One of the most important body language signs you should convey during your first encounter with your partner’s parents is eye contact with your partner,” says [Patti Wood, author of Success Signals: A Guide to Reading Body Language.].

Your partner’s parents want to know that you are interested in and care for their child. The best way you can tell them that you are “the one” is to look at your partner with love and affection.

With this new knowledge, enjoy these photos and have fun creating story lines for the couples based on their body language.

 

Paul Newman and Scarlett Johansson

Marlon Brando and Penelope Cruz

Demi Moore and Paul Newman

Catherine Zeta Jones and Robert Vaughn

Ann Margret and Tom Cruise

Humphrey Bogart and Drew Barrymore

Elizabeth Hurley and Clarck Gable

Vanilla Ice and Veronica Lake

George Clooney and Grace Kelly

Elvis and Angelina Jolie

Gary Cooper and Scarlet Johansson

Kirk Douglas and Halle Berry

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Communication, Emotional Regulation, Intimacy, Just For Fun, Naomi and Positivity

Facing jealousy in relationships: Part 2

Posted on April 23, 2012 in categories: Anxiety, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Hirsch, Infidelity and Naomi. 0 Comments

Last week I used Dr. Hirsch’s favorite Eric Clapton line to start a post on dealing with jealousy in relationships: “Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself!” This post deals with jealousy that may be unfounded or projected.

Jealousy is a problem-unspoken jealousy eats away at the positivity and love in your marriage and can lead to resentment. Feelings of jealousy shouldn’t be ignored; instead, these feelings can be used as jumping-off points for fixing fault lines in your marriage before they turn into big rifts. Attempts to broach such a sensitive issues can easily to turn into fights. Accusations of infidelity and over-protectiveness can fly. With jealousy in relationships, especially, it’s easy to blame the other person. Yet, as Eric Clapton sang, part of the problem will lie inside yourself, in your reactions, presumptions and behaviors.

Last week I talked about how little gnawing feelings of jealousy can be a legitimate warning sign that your marriage is in jeopardy. Taking a cue from these feelings you can prevent an infidelity from taking place. At the same time, some feelings of jealousy in relationships come from our projection of our own guilt and desire onto our spouse’s behavior.

Case #2: Projection.

Susan and Kyle attend their high school reunion where Susan runs into an old boyfriend. She finds herself thinking about their teenage escapades and noticing how attractive he still is. Susan feels guilty and uncomfortable. Throughout the night she is on edge and jealous whenever her husband talks to other attractive women.

In this case, Susan’ jealousy toward her husband is likely unjustified. If logic doesn’t justify the intensity of the jealous feelings, it often turns out that the jealousy is actually a projection.

Projection means that you are seeing in your partner a set of feelings that in fact are going on in you. Susan is projecting her guilty feelings of attraction to her old flame onto her husband. She assumes that he must be thinking similar things about attractive people he meets.

Deal with this type of jealousy in relationships by using the three steps outlined in my last post: prepare, talk, plan. In addition, you will need to be clear with your spouse about your own feelings that sparked the projection. This may be awkward, and at the same time, it will make your marriage stronger by clearing up doubts and reaffirming your trust in each other and in yourself. By asking how or what questions and by avoiding accusations, couples can clear up the problems and get back on track.

 

Categories: Anxiety, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Hirsch, Infidelity and Naomi

How to deal with a jealous husband

Posted on April 19, 2012 in categories: Communication, Emotional Regulation, Expert Advice from Dr. Hirsch, Naomi and Sex and Marriage. 0 Comments

When tackling the issue of jealousy, Dr. Hirsch likes to start with some Eric Clapton lyrics: “Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself!”

If you’re faced with a jealous husband or a jealous wife, you may be partially to blame. And if you are the one who is jealous, you should also examine your own culpability. Marriage problems are rarely ever a one sided affair. And they need to be solved together, too.

There are two situations where you might find yourself feeling jealous or have a jealous husband or jealous wife. If you are jealous, you are probably struggling with which one to believe: is there a real threat to your marriage, or are you just imagining and projecting things? This expert advice from Dr. Hirsch can help you decide and, most importantly, address the problem so you can repair your marriage in a positive and empowering way.

Case #1: The jealous spouse is picking up on clues to a real danger.

Example: Marcus’s husband Alison is working one-on-one on a tough work project with an attractive male colleague. They’ve been working late and getting drinks together after work. Marcus is feeling jealous and uncomfortable.

Should Marcus be worried that Alison is having an affair? It’s important to remember that full-blown affairs don’t happen all of a sudden. They grow over time. At the same time, Marcus’ feelings are very valid because they are warning signs of behavior that is threatening their marriage. Because of this he should speak up and address the problem now. Staying attuned to his early feelings of danger gives him the opportunity to address the issue before it actually leads to an infidelity.

If you are in Allison’s place, you might react to your husband’s jealousy by dismissing it. Of course you aren’t having an affair! How could he think that?? At the same time, remember that something you have been doing has been causing him distress and is already hurting your marriage. This alone indicates that you need to address the situation.

If you are jealous of your spouse, or have a jealous husband or jealous wife, here are some steps to take:

  1. Prepare for the conversation. Choose a time when you are both unstressed and rested. Also, make sure you have top-notch communication skills to handle this sensitive issue. You and your partner will want to remain as calm and positive as possible-this can be challenging with such an emotional subject. Try some PO2 activities to brush up on healthy dialogue skills.
  2. Approach the subject. This may be embarrassing or awkward, and at the same time, so important to work out. Stay open to your spouse’s opinions. Coming out of the discussion with a re-affirmed trust in each other’s fidelity is the goal.
  3. Set up an action plan so the situation doesn’t progress or recur. Also set up guidelines for what you consider appropriate behavior around members of the opposite sex. For example, Aliston might ask that Marcus not hang out with female coworkers one-on-one outside of work.

NOTE: If you find you cannot productively discuss the jealousy or come to a solution, you may want to try couples counseling or online marriage counseling with Power of Two. In addition, if you have a chronically jealous husband who tries to unreasonably restrict your activity and quality of life, you may want to check if his behavior falls under our reasons for divorce guidelines.

Posting tomorrow…What if I’m just projecting onto my spouse? The 2nd Case Scenario.

Categories: Communication, Emotional Regulation, Expert Advice from Dr. Hirsch, Naomi and Sex and Marriage

Update: “Bully” film earns PG-13 rating

Posted on April 12, 2012 in categories: Communication, Marriage and Kids and Naomi. 0 Comments

On Monday I received an email from the “Re-rate Bully” campaign (An awesome young lady and former victim of bullying, Katy Butler) that a compromise had been reached and the film would be released as PG-13. The movie’s producers agreed to a minimal re-edit that removed three instances of the f-word from through out the film. One of the most important and heartbreaking scenes of bullying in the movie remains unchanged, even though it uses three counts again of the f-word. The MPAA usually will give a film an R rating for over two instances.

As a result of this compromise, millions of children across the country will be able to see Bully. I don’t think this means a wave of youngsters will be flooding theaters to see it on their own. Instead, and most importantly, adults and educators can now screen it with their students and talk about it in a deep and meaningful way. From Girl Scout troupes to humanities classes, we can now start a conversation over this difficult and important subject.

Happily, so far Bully has garnered good reviews and is taking in a solid profit.

The whole debacle over Bully has once again raised questions about the MPAAs relevance and. The organization has been criticized for, among other things, an “opaque and arbitrary ratings system”. The closely guarded secret of who makes up the MPAA’s board is alleged to prevent the members from being pressured for certain ratings for movies. At the same time, this makes it very difficult to engage in a conversation with the people making the decisions. And despite this “protective” shroud of secrecy, the group has been accused of giving more leeway with mature content to blockbuster Hollywood-type movies and being more punitive with independent and smaller films such as Bully.

Alex Libby is tormented for his appearance and difficulty making friends in Lee Hirsch's film "Bully"

After much thought, I agree that the MPAA shouldn’t have given Bully a PG-13 rating simply because we the public wanted them to. The MPAA has a set system of rating movies, and due to the language of this film, it clearly fell under those requirements for an R-ranking. What I do find disturbing, and why I signed the petition, is the “one size fits all” mentality of the ratings system-a computer could do that job with a simple algorithm of violence and instances of profanity. But we are humans, and our films are about the human experience. What I am protesting is the loss of opportunity for growth and learning that occurs when bureaucratic systems prevent us from having a conversation about the intricacies of content.

The MPAA exists to enable parents and viewers to make informed decisions about the films they choose to see. And this is a good thing! I can remember how disturbed I was as a child when I accidentally saw a movie that was way out of my age range for violence (it was a James Bond film). At the same time, we need a guidance system that is more nuanced and informative. Sometimes viewing things that make us uncomfortable in fact makes us stronger. Sometimes it simply traumatizes us. I know from my work with online mariage counseling that setting down rules and ultimatums without talking about your underlying reasoning and desires is recipe for disaster. Let’s take a page from marriage counseling and have a conversation instead.

Categories: Communication, Marriage and Kids and Naomi

Cute couples photos through the ages

Posted on April 10, 2012 in categories: Just For Fun and Naomi. 5 Comments

My grandparents visited the other day and we ended up looking at some old family photos. I saw adorable pictures of cute couples like my parents and aunt and uncle. At the same time, as the clock went back, the couples in the pictures-my grandparents and great-grandparents-showed less and less emotion. There were only a few snapshots of my family that could be considered lovey-dovey “cute couples photos” from before 1960.

Did people have a different overall type of relationship in the past? Or is it just the acceptance of PDA (Public Displays of Affection) nowadays? Or is it the changing role of photography? Can we rely on photographs to tell the deeper story of a relationship?

Couples have had pictures of themselves made for thousands of years. Back in day, if you were rich enough you would have a portrait painted of you and your spouse when you got married. Then photography came along and by the mid 19th century became a cheaper, popular way to document your family. In the early days of photography, taking a picture was a lot of work. Couples had to sit still for ten minutes or longer, often dressed in their stiff and uncomfortable finery. Smiling was not in vogue. As a result, a lot of couples’ portraits turned out like this:

 

These days there are endless snapshots of cute couples all over the internet. Newlyweds kissing at their wedding, grinning over a vista on their honeymoon, making funny faces at the camera for no reason. We can document our marriages moment by moment with the click of a digital camera. We can take thousands of photos a day, if we want, at no cost. In a way, this allows us to wear our hearts on our sleeves and see all the loving intricacies of our relationship reflected in film.

Here is a gallery of some of my favorite cute couples photos. What can we learn from the relationships behind them? What strong marriage skills are they exhibiting? Which do you think show paid models, and which are genuine? And, what do you think pictures of you and your spouse can reveal about your marriage?

 

 

Categories: Just For Fun and Naomi

10 Quirky & Fun Date Ideas

Posted on April 3, 2012 in categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and Your Health, Naomi, Positivity and Sex and Marriage. 0 Comments

Relationships provide security, love, support, and sexual fulfillment-and they also should provide fun! Enjoying each other’s company, taking time to have adventures and new experiences together, is a key element in how to make a relationship last. Date nights are a great way of reconnecting with your spouse after a long week of chores, appointments and responsibilities. At the same time, it’s important to not let your date nights turn into routines themselves-the point of the date is to try something new together and put a little pizzazz into your connection. Try these fun date ideas if you’re just starting out “dating again” or you’re looking for something new to try. Continue reading ’10 Quirky & Fun Date Ideas’

Categories: Just For Fun, Marriage and Your Health, Naomi, Positivity and Sex and Marriage