Archive for the 'Marriage in the News' Category

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Pay attention to wedding jitters for a better marriage

Posted on September 19, 2012 in categories: Divorce, Marriage in the News and Marriage Prep/Engagement. 0 Comments

It’s natural to feel nervous before your wedding day. After all, it’s one of the biggest events of your life. At the same time, it pays to listen to your gut.

While we traditionally joke about and brush off nervousness before marriage, a new study by UCLA psychologists have found a link between wedding jitters and rates of divorce. Out of the 232 new couples enrolled in the study, 64% of individuals reported feelings of hesitation or doubt before tying the knot. Over all more men than women tended to have premarital doubts. At the same time, women’s worries were a better predictor of divorce. Continue reading ‘Pay attention to wedding jitters for a better marriage’

Categories: Divorce, Marriage in the News and Marriage Prep/Engagement

The best articles of the week: on making decisions

Posted on August 7, 2012 in categories: Apologies, Collaborative Decision Making, Communication and Marriage in the News. 0 Comments

This week I found some amazing articles on making decisions and how choice impacts our lives and mental state. Julie Jeske talks about changing your mind about big decisions, James McNulty challenges our notions of turning the other cheek, and a California study questions whether our choice in marriage partners really leaves us any happier than an arranged marriage. Be prepared to have your mind changed!

You Can Always Change Your Mind-Part I via Julie Jeske

http://www.juliejeske.com/2012/08/you-can-always-change-your-mind/

You and your partner will face making decisions in your lives, and the stress of the big choices can put considerable strain on your marriage. Julie Jeske offers some fantastic advice: You can always change your mind. In fact, “by feeling like you always have to “get it right” you can sometimes be so paralyzed by fear of “messing up” that you don’t take any action.” It’s not always easy, convenient, or cost free, but you can always change your mind. Next week Julie will go over how to fix a relationship if you feel like changing your mind about your marriage, and I’ll be definitely reading along. Continue reading ‘The best articles of the week: on making decisions’

Categories: Apologies, Collaborative Decision Making, Communication and Marriage in the News

Money and marriage: Should you keep separate checking accounts?

Posted on July 31, 2012 in categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Marriage in the News, Marriage Prep/Engagement, Money and Marriage and Naomi. 0 Comments

Marriage is the union of two lives into one-at the same time, maintaining independence and autonomy is an important part of a healthy relationship. How does money and marriage factor in? Wall Street Journal blogger Rachel Louis Ensign tackled this controversial topic last week. Her article features interviews with couples, lawyers and financial advisers who have found that sometimes not sharing everything can be the best situation for the marriage.

I was surprised to read in a follow up post that some commenters had been extremely critical of this idea, even accusing spouses who split up their assets as “definitely NOT a couple” and asking “Why even get married in the first place? Marriage is about trust and compromise, two people as one.” Continue reading ‘Money and marriage: Should you keep separate checking accounts?’

Categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Marriage in the News, Marriage Prep/Engagement, Money and Marriage and Naomi

Review: Tokii offers relationship games on your smart phone

Posted on July 25, 2012 in categories: Communication, Marriage in the News, Reviews and Self Help. 0 Comments

Tokii, a Canadian self-help gaming company, has just released two of their most popular relationship games for iOS and Android. Since providing relationship help with fun online activities is close to Po2′s heart, I decided to check our what they have to offer!

At Tokii.com you are invited to “Touch base with Tokii: Get together. Get talking. Get intimate.” After signing up for a free account you can invite your significant other to join you in a “relationship.” From there you have tons of options to play relationship games, take quizes, read articles, and chat with other members in forums. The site keeps track of the activities you do with your spouse and offers insights about your relationship.

The phone apps are essentially pared down versions of two activities available on their website. The Mood Meter allows users to log their mood during the day, send it to their spouse, and even post it to Facebook or Twitter. The app keeps track of your mood entries and over time generates a “mood history” you can share and discuss with your partner.

The other featured app is “Sharing Games”. These are short quizes that allow you to share opinions and facts about yourself on different topics. As a disclaimer, I didn’t create an account and sign in to play the games. But they look quite interesting. Topics range from basic (“My social interests”) to political (“The Economy and Obama”) to the sociological (“Fairytales” which prompts you to “see how fairy tales have shaped the way you view relationships and male/female roles as an adult.”). Some of these relationship games are sure to promote deep thinking and communication in a relationship. Even the more basic questions may reveal things things you didn’t know your spouse.

Relationship games are now apps on smart phones

Relationship games can help you break up routines.

Tokii intends these games help jolt couples out of their habits of interaction, which I think is a great idea. Interjecting new ways of thinking and talking-specifically about new subjects-is essential to keeping marriages healthy. As I wrote in a previous post on how to put the spark back in your relationship, the longer you are with your spouse the more you tend to assume things about him rather than processing what he does or actually asking what he thinks. This is unfortunate because not only does it lead to misunderstandings and arguments, it glosses over the ways in which your partner may have grown and changed over the years.

Tokii’s relationship games app seems like a great resource, especially for younger couples who are used to communicating via text and sharing status updates. I imagine it could also be useful for keeping in touch with children, siblings and friends. If any of you try Tokii, let me know what you think!

Categories: Communication, Marriage in the News, Reviews and Self Help

Why is marriage so hard? Half of Brittons regret getting married.

Posted on July 17, 2012 in categories: Marriage in the News, Naomi, Reviews and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Here’s a depressing number: In a survey of over 4,000 British couples, over 50% of married individuals said they had felt regret about getting married. Why is marriage so hard? Why are couples so unhappy??

Despite the attention grabbing headline of this article in the Daily Mail, the truth isn’t as bad as it sounds. Only 6% of couples interviewed said they spent most of the time feeling that they had made a mistake. The majority (26%) felt regret about their marriage only once or twice throughout their marriage; 19% felt this way “sometimes”. The top two regrets were the lack of independence and general boredom of married life. Lower on reasons for regret were believing they had married the wrong person, being attracted to someone else or not finding their spouse attractive anymore.

Here’s why I’m not too concerned about this finding: marriage is a big and very permanent decision-it’s natural to feel a bit uncertain about it once and while, especially when times are hard. Luckily, this doesn’t mean that %50 of Brittons are stuck in an unhappy marriage.

Despite the slightly misleading introduction, the article poses some good answers to the question everybody is asking: why is marriage so hard these days? The first two reasons for regret mentioned above may hold the key to the mystery.

Why is marriage so hard? The eternal question

Lack of independence

In previous generations, marriage was part the natural progression of life, tied into an accepted social order and buyoued by strong religious faith. The fact that we even are asking the question “why is marriage so hard?” is a marker of how differently we see marriage these days. In the past, marriage and anything that came with it were natural and unquestioned-plus, it wasn’t a choice. People these days are more socially and financially mobile, and expected to make their own decisions about life. ”We’re not accustomed to settling any more, in any area of our life,” says Rosie Freeman-Jones, who initiated the survey. ’Take into account also that the majority of British people are not very religious, and have a heightened interest in constantly upgrading and improving their lives, and it’s easy to see why people regret tying themselves down.”

It’s also easy to see why, when totally in charge of your own fate, you may regret your decisions: you can never know if it is the right decision. Questioning or uncertainty is not as much of a problem when religion and cultural expectations guide your choices.

Boredom

Why is marriage so hard? A more revealing question is “Why do we think marriage shouldn’t be hard?” Marriage is an analog institution in a digital age. It requires patience, time, and careful nurturing. It’s fallible and difficult. This doesn’t mesh well with a society that expects constant change, instant gratification, and perfection and considers our personal happiness and fulfilment as-if not more-important than societal and community concerns.

Many people have disregarded marriage as obsolete for this very reason. I believe this is exactly why it is relevant. Marriage provides a beautiful counterbalance to our constantly moving, hectic and self-obsessed lives. It reminds us to slow down, invest, and care about something outside ourselves. So why is marriage so hard? Because the best things in life require you to fight for them.

 

Categories: Marriage in the News, Naomi, Reviews and Uncategorized

What men want changes with marriage

Posted on July 12, 2012 in categories: Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News and Naomi. 0 Comments

What does winning the Wimbledon tennis tournament have to do with marriage?

Everything, according to Australian researcher Dr. Daniel Farrelly. It all comes down to what men want-and how marriage changes that. Dr. Farrelly spent the past year crunching numbers for the top 100 players in the Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) Singles Rakings from 1995 to 2005. He layered on some unusual data: whether and when the players had married, and if they had become a father or gotten a divorce. Farrelly found that, overwhelmingly, player’s rankings plummeted between the year before and after he married. They stayed steadily lower thereafter.

The short takeaway is this: if you want to win Wimbledon, don’t get hitched. The more interesting question is: why?

Marriage, Dr. Farrelly proposes, causes chemical changes in mens brains. We all know the stereotype about what men want-that proverbial “one thing.” Well there’s actually some science behind it. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is every organism’s primary goal to further its own genetic material. Men can father hundreds of children, therefore they are biologically primed to mate with as many females as possible. They are also primed to engage in dominant displays to compete with other males. Some scientists have proposed that much of our culture-and especially sports-is all part of a highly advanced competitive mating display. In other words-one big pick-up line.

What men want changes from competing for mates to maintaining them.

But what men want changes once they have a mating partner. Once around a committed mate, mens’ testosterone-a male hormone that helps regulate aggression and competition-begins to drop. It further drops once he becomes a father. This signals a shift from competitive mate-searching to a more stable investment in his growing family.

This drop in testosterone also means a drop in competitive performance. Or as I like to think of it, he’s realized that there’s something more important in his life than winning a game. “When you have a family there are other people to consider,” says a married coach in the Sunderland Echo. “So a player’s complete focus could be taken off tennis.”

These findings are not universal-some players stayed in their rankings or even improved after marriage. Dr. Farrelly hopes to expand on his study of what men want by looking at other sports players.

Categories: Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News and Naomi

Best articles of the week: Help for an unhappy marriage

Posted on July 6, 2012 in categories: Anger, Divorce, Marriage in the News, Positivity and Reviews. 0 Comments

Unexpected conflicts, anger, illness and change…some marriages have a lot to deal with. This week I’m featuring the best articles I’ve read recently on overcoming various causes of an unhappy marriage. We’ve got everything from new studies on emotion regulation to a blog dedicated to helping spouses with chronic illness. I hope you find the articles as interesting as I did!

Did Scientology Destroy Tom and Katie’s Marriage? via the Daily Beast

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/06/30/did-scientology-destroy-tom-cruise-and-katie-holmes-marriage.html

The biggest news of the past week has to be the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce. Gossip abounds about their unhappy marriage and Scientology’s potential role in their break up. This article from the Daily Beast is the most well-written one I’ve read about the split. It poses lots of interesting questions and delves into important issues. The conclusion: this is one marriage with very valid reasons for divorce.

Showing Fake Love Leads to Real Romance, via Jagran Post

http://post.jagran.com/showing-fake-love-leads-to-real-romance-1341490914

Not that you should fake emotions, especially during an unhappy marriage. At the same time, we fall into patterns of being out of love that involve body language cues like eye rolling or turning away when we speak to our spouses. These reinforce our negative feelings about our partner. This British study shows that you can put the spark back in your relationship by using the body first and the mind will follow. Take the effort to make loving gestures, even if you don’t geel all the way there yet, can help you redirect the negative emotions into positive and eventually loving ones.

Self-Distancing May Help Deal with Anger, via Counsel & Heal

http://www.counselheal.com/articles/2143/20120702/self-distancing-help-deal-anger.htm

Anger and negativity is the cause of many an unhappy marriage. Counsel and Heal provides advice from two new studies on regulating emotion with self-distancing. Self-distancing is the practice of removing yourself mentally from the emotional situation-imagining it objectively as if it were happening to someone else. “The self-distancing approach helped people regulate their angry feelings and also reduced their aggressive thoughts,” say the researchers of one study.

Warning: Your Spouse Has Changed! via Alisa Bowman

http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2012/07/warning-your-spouse-has-changed/

Alisa offers a thoughtful and smart response to a reader who laments “My wife is just not the person I married 14 years ago.” Life is change. You will change, your spouse will change, your world will change-and it won’t change back. “Forget about who your spouse used to be,” Alisa writes. “Think about who you need your spouse to become. Then think about how you might change to enable that spouse to follow your lead.” A great, philosophical read.

Beyond the Fairy Tale, via Chronic Marriage

http://chronicmarriage.com/uncategorized/beyond-fairy-tale/

Helena Madsen runs the Chronic Marriage blog to provide support and advice to marriages where a spouse is dealing with a chronic illness. In this introductory post she outlines the qualities of maturity couples need to survive and thrive in a chronic disease situation. I look forward to reading more from Helena!

 

You can change an unhappy marriage-don’t be afraid to get help

Categories: Anger, Divorce, Marriage in the News, Positivity and Reviews

The secret of how to put the spark back in your relationship? Gratitude.

Posted on June 20, 2012 in categories: Communication, Marriage in the News, Naomi and Positivity. 0 Comments

On the surface, gratitude is a reaction you have towards someone doing you a favor. On a more complex level, it is a measure of how deeply you engage in the world around you. When you have gratitude towards someone or something, you realize its value, you pay attention to how unique, beautiful, or indispensable it is-how much happiness it brings you. Cultivating a life full of gratitude means a life full of wonder and love. It enriches your relationship with the world. And it is the key of how to put the spark back in your relationship.

As relationships move past the enchantment stage (the fist few months and years where everything your partner does is amazing and perfect), couples fall into the pit of “Taking each other for granted.” Amie Gordon, a psychologist from U.C. Berkeley, blames this state as the downfall of many relationships: ”You get used to having [your spouse] in your life and forget why you chose to be with them.” Their special qualities no longer strike you as magical and, instead, you are left with lots of space to pay attention to things that annoy you about them. Couples in these doldrums are often searching for the key to how to put the spark back in your relationship, but aren’t sure what that “spark” is…is it sex? Attraction? Or something more complicated?

Now we have part of the answer. Dr. Gordon’s study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has delved into the role of gratitude and appreciation in maintaining long and happy relationships. In the study, 50 long-term couples were given appreciation journals to fill out for a week. On days when one reported feeling more appreciated, he or she tended to appreciate his or her partner more the next day. Couples who had ongoing reciprocal appreciation were less likely to break up in the next nine months and, in fact, were more committed at the end of that time. The researchers concluded that a nourishing cycle of encouragement and appreciation gives us an extra incentive to maintain our relationships. When we appreciate our partners, we develop trust and respect. When we feel appreciated, we feel needed and encouraged.

So how do you use gratitude as part of how to put the spark back in your relationship? Should you be saying “Thank you” more often?

Gratitude: the secret of how to put the spark back in your relationship

In the second part of the study, Gordon’s team observed how couples of all ages-from 18 to 60-communicate their appreciation. The researchers noticed that those who ranked “highly appreciative” tended to use constant physical cues and body language to show that they valued their spouses. Foremost of these was a Power of Two favorite skill: active listening. When their spouse was speaking, appreciative spouses leaned in, made eye contact, and responded to what they were saying. They made it clear that they were listening to and digesting what their spouse said, thereby showing that they valued their opinion. Appreciative couples also used intimacy in relationships, giving each other comforting touches and physical encouragement such as holding hands or a pat on the shoulder or leg.

Some couples are naturally appreciative while others are not. It can be incredibly discouraging to not feel appreciated-you may even feel like your marriage is over. This can change! If gratitude is the secret to how to put the spark back in your relationship, then the key is taking the initiative: “Instead of just waiting for the other person to make you feel good, you can jumpstart that cycle and take it into your own hands by focusing on what’s good in your relationship,” says Dr. Gordon. If you feel unappreciated, try showing your spouse with some gratitude and love, and watch your positivity shine reflected back at you.
Categories: Communication, Marriage in the News, Naomi and Positivity

5 Top posts of the week: Marital Stress

Posted on June 8, 2012 in categories: Emotional Regulation, Marriage in the News and Naomi. 1 Comment

Marital stress is something that every couple will have to deal with at some point. Stress can come from anywhere: the workplace, a sick child, individual insecurities, marriage problems, and more. Many times these problems start in the individual and grow to impact the marriage. This week I’ve picked the best articles on marital stress that focus on healing and helping the individual. We’ve got a post on identity crisis, the efficacy of marriage education, culture shock, supporting a stressed spouse, and lastly, how to give a great, loving gift. Enjoy!

Impression management and identity: who are you?

Via Good Therapy (http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/excessive-impression-management-identity-0608125)

In every social moment we subtly alter our behavior to be in advantage of the situation. We watch what we do, say, and how we dress. Knowing how to selectively present ourselves-and be self-aware-is an important social tool. What happens when we become to wrapped up in keeping up the presentation? “[When] we are overly invested in impression management, our sense of self has little substance. We become the person we believe the other wants us to be. This thought-provoking Good Therapy article examines the lines between being true to yourself and navigating the social world.

Marriage education works!

Via Healthy Relationships California (http://www.relationshipsca.org/blog/2012/05/research-shows-couples-can-increase-marital-happiness-even-those-on-the-brink/)

There’s been a lot of back-and-forth this month as various studies proved and disproved the effectiveness of marriage interventions for marital stress. Sadly, a Birmingham University study found that many marriage intervention programs aimed at low-income couples were not effective. Happily, another exhaustive study by Healthy Relationships California found that marriage education courses increased happiness significantly. At the end of the program, the number of couples rating themselves happy in their relationships rose by 55%. The subjects of the study were not specifically low-income or people of color. My takeaway? Marriage intervention is not one-size-fits all-couples from different walks of life have different marital stress and need different areas of help. Pick a marriage intervention, like PO2, that is tailorable to the individual couple-and is backed up by sound scientific evidence.

Navigating culture shock

Via International Couples (http://www.internationalcouples.net/blog/2012/06/cultural-shock-the-emotional-roller-coaster-ride.html)

If you and you spouse come from different cultures and you decide to relocate to his or her country (or simply decide to relocate), be prepared for the strain that culture shock will put on you an your marriage. “My family has a long history of cross-border marriages and geographic mobility,” writes guest blogger The Global Us. “Despite this seemingly “cultural-shock proof”background, I lamentably failed to pass the cultural shock test without going through an unexpected and unstoppable roller-coaster ride.” The article continues with great insights on how to navigate these uncertain waters with your spouse and avoid marital stress.

7 secrets for supporting a stressed spouse

via Alisa Bowman (http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2012/06/7-secrets-for-supporting-a-stressed-spouse/)

Alisa always comes out with straightforward, grounded advice, and this article on marital stress is no exception. Read as she lays out secrets of how to communicate in a relationship to support your stressed spouse…and keep yourself sane too!

How to pick the perfect gift

via Family Focus Blog (http://familyfocusblog.com/the-ultimate-gift/)

Fathers Day is coming up, and with it the eternal conundrum of what I’m going to get him this year. We feel obliged to give gifts, and at the same time, if they are meaningless (like that #1 Dad ribbon I bought last year) then what’s the point? An important way of addressing marital stress is to always show that you are supportive of and full of love for your spouse. A meaningful gift can do this and make a huge difference for the receiver. So what makes a good gift? Read the article for tips on picking an appropriate gift for the occasion and the message you want to convey.

Categories: Emotional Regulation, Marriage in the News and Naomi

Pair social app lets you network with your spouse

Posted on May 10, 2012 in categories: Communication, Marriage in the News, Naomi and Reviews. 0 Comments

Are you one of those couples who flood each other’s Facebook times lines with posts? Studies have shown that reaching out to each other in small ways through out the day can foster intimacy and positivity. At the same time, the rest of your social network might not appreciate being subjected to your lovey-dovey messages. Well now, there’s an app for that! Launched for iOs in March, Pair allows couples to share messages, play games, and send “thumb kisses”-each phone vibrates when you hold your finger on the screen at the same time. The app has just been released for Android, so now your love need not be dampened by the divide of interfaces.

Oleg Kostour, the founder of Pair, designed the app to communicate with his long-distance girlfriend when he moved from Canada to Mountain View, CA. I think Pair is a great way to stay connected when you are apart from your spouse, whether its for weeks or just a few hours. It also keeps your communications private, so feel free to send those saucy messages suggesting what you’ll do once you’re reunited.

The app also allows you to maintain a joint to-do list. This could be chores, or life accomplishments…or even marriage goals. Power of Two has a text message series that members can sign up for that sends you daily notes of inspiration for a period for a few weeks. Even better would be to put the initiative in your hands. What about integrating PO2 with a mobile app like Pair? You could maintain your list marriage goals, send each other high-fives when you appreciate something your spouse does, and communicate about your mood.

Nothing replaces face-to-face communication in relationships. At the same time, most of us spend significant parts of our day separated. As much as technology has the power to alienate us from the real world, it can also be a powerful tool for developing your relationships. Props to Pair for paving the way.

But it’s still probably not a good idea to sext naked pictures of yourself… :)

Categories: Communication, Marriage in the News, Naomi and Reviews