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ABOUT DR. SUSAN HEITLER
Author of the Power of Two book, workbook and CD's and Founder of Power of Two Online
Dr. H, graduated from Harvard, earned a masters degree in education at Boston University and then a doctorate in psychology from New York University. She and her husband, married over 30 years, have enjoyed raising four children, now young adults with children of their own.
In her clinical practice as a clinical psychologist in Denver, Colorado, Dr. H has been helping individuals and couples for over thirty years. She has written a book, a workbook, and workshops called The Power of Two to help more couples learn the skills that lead to marriage success. And the theory of treatment she presented in her book for therapists, From Conflict to Resolution, has strongly influenced the work of many therapists.
Dr. H is frequently interviewed in magazines such as Fitness, Men’s Health, Women’s World, and Parenting. Her cases have appeared often in the Ladies Home Journal column “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Dr. Heitler appeared on the CBS Early Show where anchor Harry Smith introduced her as “the most influential person in my life — my therapist.”
Dr. H has lectured on her therapy methods nationwide and abroad, including in Spain, Austria, Lebanon, United Arab Emirates, Israel and Australia.
Dr. H and her husband Bruce have shared 40 years of happily-ever-after marriage, raised 4 children who are all happily married, and love being with their 9 grandchildren.
Dr. Susan Heitler, also known as Dr. H, specializes in the treatment of marriage difficulties. In her practice as a clinical psychologist in Denver, Colorado, Dr. Heitler has been helping individuals and couples for over thirty years. Dr. H specializes in restoring marriages on the brink of collapse into happy, loving, partnerships. She is the author of The Power of Two books to help more couples learn the skills that lead to marriage success. The theory of treatment she presented in her book for therapists, From Conflict to Resolution, has strongly influenced the work of many therapists.
Enjoy this sample article
From the files of Dr. H:
HOW JOYCE AND ROGER WENT FROM THE DIVORCE LAWYER BACK TO LOVING EACH OTHER.
Joyce was a warm, gracious, hardworking young mother. Her husband, Roger, was more reserved and stern. For some time their marriage had been punctuated by emotional storms. Joyce would suddenly erupt in furious anger, ranting and shouting and sometimes throwing things. It had gotten so bad that the two of them had even been to talk to a divorce lawyer.
Joyce and Roger initially tried to handle Joyce's rages on their own. As I worked with the two of them, Joyce and Roger, in theory, understood that the point in talking after an upsetting incident is not punishment or blame. After these fights, they were trying the best they could to piece together an understanding of what happened, apologize, and try to find a way to prevent the blow-up from occurring again.
Eventually, however, things got out of hand. They'd been through the cycle of upset-apology-calm down one time too many. They decided it was time to talk to a professional. They came to my office after the divorce lawyer they'd consulted with suggested maybe there was a better route.
I asked Joyce what thoughts and feelings immediately preceeded her rages. She identified three factors that had preceded her most recent explosion and that seemed also to have been present in others. She was exhausted from the stress of working two jobs for several weeks. Joyce felt frustrated when, feeling her fuse get shorter, she had tried to go into another room and her husband had blocked her way.
Joyce and Roger needed three new skills to begin to change this pattern. First, we looked at ways to reduce Joyce's overall stress. Next, the two needed to create a plan for disengaging before Joyce got out of control. Finally, Joyce and Roger needed a serious basic communication skills brush-up, so that they could talk and listen to each other in a way that led towards understanding not upset.
Armed with these new skills, Joyce and Roger continued to explore Joyce's rage. Going back and analyzing an upset after Roger got home from a business trip, the two realized that Roger had a piece in what was going on as well. When he got anxious about work, like after a particularly stressful trip, he would often come home and goad Joyce until she exploded. Then the blame would go on Joyce for getting so out of control and Roger could shift the focus away from his problematic work situation.
As long as they both continued to make her the one with problems, neither of them had to address the underlying difficulty, namely that Roger's "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude at work provoked bosses to fire him.
When I last saw Roger and Joyce, thanks to a bit of coaching and a hearty dose of Power of Two skills, Roger had held a job for 6 months longer than he'd ever done before. And Joyce hadn't had an outburst in over a year. Watching the two hold hands and laugh, I could hardly believe this was the same stern Roger and explosive Joyce who I'd first met.
Signing off,
-- Dr. H
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Dr. Susan Heitler Power of Two Founder
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